Beyond Avoidance

This one comes from the Reverb Prompt for December 20th:

What should you have done this year but didn’t because you were too scared, worried, unsure, busy or otherwise deterred from doing?

This question is easily answered.  I should have found a full time job.  Why haven't I found one yet?  I have asked myself this many times and I have lied to myself over and over, rather than telling myself the truth.  I have been telling myself that it's the economy; it's a bad time to looking for a job; there are no jobs out there to be had; etc.

The truth:  I'm scared.  I am scared because I don't know if I am cut out for the social work field.  My internship with the Lawndale Christian Health Center helped to solidify my fears.  I constantly felt out of place, even after I had been there seven months.  I keep telling myself that there has to be some kind of social work job out there that would fit with my personality, but I haven't really looked for one.  I have applied for a few jobs here and there, but my job search in general has been half-hearted.

I know I say this over and over, but it is the dominant theme in my life right now--I'm stuck.  I am not happy with my life the way it is, but I am still afraid to get myself out.  Despite the fact that living at home provides some level of comfort, I am not happy here.  I was for a little while, but it has slowly been getting worse and especially in the last few months.  My mom is worried and stressed and when she gets like this she takes her anger and frustration out on the people around her, specifically me.  My father and my brother get some of it, but most of it lands on me.  I think I am a fairly patient person, but I am at my breaking point with this.  I do a lot for her here, and I honestly don't know how she is going to function if I am not here, but I do not feel appreciated.  Most of the time I feel unwelcome and unwanted in my own home.

I am convinced that taking the brunt of my mother's anxiety and anger over the last five years has re-triggered my depression.  I think that part of the reason I have been so stuck is that I am seriously depressed.  I wish I could get some kind of medication, some Prozac or something, to give me a boost to help me get out of this emotional hole, but unfortunately without medical insurance that is not going to happen.  So I'll have to do this the old-fashioned way, the way I did last time I was depressed back in high school--sheer will power.  Thankfully my depression is not as bad as it was back then.

My goals for next year, my New Year's resolution for 2011, are:

1.  Get a full time job
2.  Move out of my parent's house

That's it.  I'm keeping it short and sweet this year.  I'm leaving out my usual goals, such as losing weight, exercising more, and finding a boyfriend.  Those are important to me too, but I have not been successful with those in previous years so I am taking a new route this year.  I think these two goals are the most important for me right now and would make me the most happy in the new year.

I hope that if I can manage to get away from all the negative energy in this house I will be so much happier.  Once I am reasonably happy with my life, then hopefully the other things I want (such as losing weight and finding Mr. Right) will come.